My granddaughter, and solely grandchild, is about to be married. I’m not the one one who thinks she might be essentially the most lovely, kindest, sweetest and funniest lady in the entire of those United States of America. Her mom and aunt would concur.
Upon studying of this coming union, it stumbled on me that I have to purchase an acceptable robe for the occasion. This didn’t appear such a problem on the face of it. So the search started.
Lions stalking wildebeests, hunters ready for deer within the forests, cats ready to pounce on mice have been no cagier than I used to be in the hunt for the right gown for this all-important event.
Cleverly disguised in denims, a down jacket, boots and winter-jagged fingernails, I raced by means of the racks of attire at a division retailer. I flicked hangars apart one after one other on the pace of a girl decided in her quest. Aha. A lightweight floral appeared from nowhere it appeared. I snatched it to my bosom and headed for the money register.
The gum-popper there grabbed my debit card, glared at me as if I could be somebody to not be trusted with popcorn balls, did one thing with the cardboard, returned it and shoved the bag at me. She mentioned, “You’ve 60 days to return this gown in any other case it’s yours, Hon.” Out of all that, the phrase, “Hon” reached my consideration. I hate it when strangers name me “Hon.” Makes me really feel like Rosie the Riveter or one of many Andrews Sisters (look it up).
I sped residence, bought this garment into the home, checked out it and thought aloud, “What was I considering?” I hung it rigorously, tucking that 60-day warning into my mind.
The search resumed.
It was time to hit the web shops the place nobody is aware of your title and might’t inform that your bunions harm, you haven’t made your mattress since Tuesday, and that you just and make-up parted buddies yesterday.
I went deep: “Fifth is Fourth for Sixth Retailer” in Boulder. I noticed a wonderful gown, hit “Order,” and I sat again with satisfaction. 4 days later, the field arrived. I opened it with nice pleasure to search out I had been despatched a completely completely different gown in a distinct dimension. Now I needed to take time to name this retailer and inform them it was not truthful that I ought to need to pay for postage to return one thing I had not ordered. The customer support rep agreed and after 20 minutes on maintain, I used to be given a 38-digit code to use to my mailing label that might prepay the postage.
Again on-line I went to see what could be lurking at the hours of darkness and located one thing in an excellent colour. I shortly ordered it and waited for its arrival. And waited. It lastly arrived like an overdue child. I opened it to discover a colour that would nicely create nausea all through the bridal celebration and company. I additionally discovered that it got here all the way in which from China and that if I wished to return it, it will value greater than the gown was price to ship it.
I ordered three extra attire. Now I used to be as much as six.
Within the meantime, that 60-day return restrict from Gown No. 1 had slithered by so I might have that ceaselessly, No. 2 went again to Boulder, No. 3 was going to consignment, and I used to be ready for Nos. 4, 5 and 6.
Sadly, No. 4 had a wad of material bunched up on the waist that would have hidden a being pregnant nicely into its sixth month. “Quantity 5 appears like an outdated girl gown,” I moaned, and a few member of the family checked out me and mentioned, “Properly?”
However No. 6? It’s excellent. It’s lengthy sleeves drip with crystals, sparkly bits and items. It was designed so the attention goes to 1’s arms as an alternative of waist or hips. Now to search out the correct sneakers and purse. My hair is uncontrollable so I’m searching for a silver mesh bag to place over my head.
I ponder if I can be chained to my chair in the back of the reception room if I request the music folks to play “Earth Angel” or “Get a Job.”
Susan Keezer lives in Adrian. Ship your excellent news to her at Lenaweesmiles@gmail.com.